


Falling

by yixingsus



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-05 21:33:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12802836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yixingsus/pseuds/yixingsus
Summary: Yixing is always falling. Three out of four times, Baekhyun catches him.





	Falling

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry about this

Yixing was falling. 

 

He stared at the screen of his phone and wondered how his brain managed to do the things it did. The sensation was dizzying and it gave him a headache. He'd been falling for nearly an hour. He had been sat up, for a while, but when he seemed to be falling faster he laid himself down on his side in an attempt to still himself. It didn't work and he continued to fall.

 

***

 

Yixing did a lot of falling, really. Since he was a kid. Always falling- off of swings, down the stairs, off of his bed.

 

When Yixing was in high school, he did even more falling. Falling into bad habits and falling for people he shouldn't have. And it never stopped.

 

Twenty year old Yixing pondered this, laying on the floor of his room after he'd passed out.  _ Silly me,  _ he thought,  _ I really do a lot of falling, don't I?  _ His roommate opened the door and it hit Yixing's hip.

 

“Dude, are you okay?” Baekhyun asked.

 

“Never,” Yixing replied with a grin. Baekhyun shrugged and tossed a stack of envelopes onto the ground by Yixing's head.

 

***

 

_ Yixing fell onto Luhan’s bed, giggling and just a little tipsy. Luhan hushed him with a finger against his lips. _

 

_ “Quiet, baby,” he murmured, “remember, nobody can know.” _

 

_ Yixing nodded and pressed his lips shut. Luhan smiled and kissed Yixing's cheeks before beginning to undress him. _

 

_ Only minutes later, Yixing fell into a kind of pleasure he'd never felt before. He gasped and shuddered beneath Luhan and Luhan kissed him to keep him quiet. Yixing grounded himself by gripping onto Luhan’s bare shoulders. _

 

***

 

“Baek,” Yixing called one night as they were tangled together on the couch, a movie playing quietly in the background.

 

“Hmm?” Baekhyun hummed and scratched behind Yixing's ear.

 

“We're falling,” he muttered and tightened his arm around Baekhyun's waist.

 

“Again?”

 

“Yes, do you feel it? It's like we jumped off a cliff, isn't it?”

 

“You're weird,” Baekhyun concluded, and Yixing laughed and they both got quiet to watch the movie.

 

***

 

_ Stumbling, Yixing made his way to Baekhyun's house in the middle of the night, a stupid grin plastered on his face the whole way there. Baekhyun helped him climb in through his window and flicked his forehead. _

 

_ “What did I say about drinking?” _

 

_ “Not to do it,” Yixing managed to look a little bit guilty. “But-” _

 

_ “No buts.” _

 

_ “You don't get it, Baek, after I drink then when I'm with Luhan it's like a dream and we always have a good time.” _

 

_ “There is nothing okay about what you just said,” Baekhyun shook his head in a disappointed fashion before continuing, “you already know how I feel about your thing with Luhan. But if he's influencing you like this, I think there definitely needs to be a change.” _

 

_ Yixing swayed on his feet. “He loves me.” _

 

_ “If he loved you, he wouldn't let you drink as a minor.” _

 

_ “He loves me and when we're together I'm happier than ever.” _

 

***

 

Baekhyun slapped Yixing's hand away from his mouth. “Stop biting your fingernails, you dumbo!” He chided. Yixing hadn't even realized what he'd been doing.  

 

“Oh,” he said, “whoops,” and pulled his hands away from his face, sitting on them like a kid.

 

“There you go,” Baekhyun smiled and returned his eyes to the road, hands tight on the steering wheel even as he pretended to be relaxed. “Nervous, huh?”

 

Yixing jerked his head up, suddenly remembering what they were doing in the car in the first place.

 

“Well, yeah, I haven’t seen Luhan since…”

 

“Hey, you don’t have to talk about it,” Baekhyun interjected when he noticed Yixing’s discomfort.

 

“Since he died,” Yixing said bluntly, eyes staring off at something Baekhyun could only imagine.

 

***

 

_ “I just need you to stay with me,” Luhan rasped. _

 

_ “But- You need help, I can’t just-“ Yixing blurted out, never one to go against Luhan, but desperate. _

 

_ “Don’t call an ambulance. You don’t want me in prison, do you?” Luhan raised his eyebrows, continuing when Yixing shook his head, “That’s what I thought. Just stay here, it’ll be over soon.” _

 

_ “You’re going to… to…” he couldn’t get the words out. _

 

_ “I want you to be with me. Just lay down with me,” Luhan gave a weak smile and tugged on Yixing’s trembling hands. _

 

_ The truth was, Yixing had never been more terrified in his life. Luhan had a frantic, wild look in his eyes that meant danger. Yixing didn’t like being with Luhan when he was messed up like this. _

 

_ “Luhan,” Yixing’s voice shook and his eyes welled up with tears. Luhan just smiled and gripped onto Yixing- it was the last time he’d ever do it. _

 

_ “It’s fine, I promise. You’ll be just alright. And, hey, you know my friends if you ever need anything, right?” _

 

_ Yixing nodded, but what he didn’t reveal was that his greatest fear was to end up like Luhan. He would never be contacting Luhan’s friends. He lay tense in Luhan’s arms for what felt like forever, only breaking free when Luhan had stopped moving. Eerily calm, he left, not letting himself think about how he’d just let Luhan slip away like that. _

 

***

 

Baekhyun only took Yixing to Luhan’s grave because he thought maybe it would give him some sort of closure. He wished he could stomp over Luhan’s dead body for leaving his best friend with more problems than his 16 year old mind could handle. Instead, he held Yixing’s cold hand while he kneeled next to Luhan’s headstone. 

 

“Why did you do that?” Yixing mumbled, his free hand pressed into the ground, nails digging into dirt. “You made me… you…”

 

Baekhyun didn’t want to know what terrible things Luhan had done. He’d heard what little Yixing was willing to spill, and even that had enraged him. He wouldn’t let himself even think about what else Luhan could’ve done.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t call an ambulance,” Yixing choked out, and Baekhyun’s heart cracked at the strain and confusion in Yixing’s voice.

 

_ You didn’t do anything wrong,  _ he wanted to scream, but knew mere words like that wouldn’t help Yixing. He’d tried, and Yixing only seemed to get worse.

 

***

 

_ Yixing didn’t cry. Not even when he realized he had essentially killed Luhan. He’d had the power to call an ambulance, but didn’t. It was his fault, and that should’ve been what broke him. But instead, he pretended nothing happened and spent time with his friends as usual, laughing and doing the things they always did. _

 

_ Except Yixing wasn’t really there. Physically, sure, but mentally? He’d done all but completely check out. He spent his free time staring at the ceiling from his spot on his bed, letting himself drift into what felt like a complete other dimension. _

 

_ Yixing wasn’t really living anymore. _

 

***

 

Yixing didn’t want to be alive anymore. Somewhere deep inside of himself he knew Baekhyun was worried, so he tried and tried to look normal, but his efforts were failing more with every passing day. He was so tired of keeping up this act.

 

“How are you today?” Baekhyun asked one day.

 

Yixing’s lips meant to form his usual ‘I’m okay’, but instead what came out was, “I want to die.” He didn’t mean to open up like that, but shit happens.

 

‘I know you do, Xing, you’re very obvious,’ Baekhyun might’ve wanted to say. He didn’t. No, he just held onto Yixing’s hand tight, like Yixing would disappear if he let go. And maybe he would.

 

***

 

_ His first suicide attempt happened three weeks after the “Luhan thing”, as he’d labeled it in his head. He hadn’t even thought about what he was doing or what it could mean for the people around him. Afterwards, he would look back and think “I was selfish.” But in the moment, it had seemed like his only real option. _

 

_ When he ended up in the hospital, he was confused.  _ I really must’ve been out of it,  _ he thought.  _

 

_ “Don’t do that,” Baekhyun said when Yixing was awake and alert for the first time in days. _

 

_ “Do what?” _

 

_ “Don’t try to kill yourself,” he said.  _

 

_ “I wasn’t… it was weird, I wasn’t myself. I wouldn’t do that,” Yixing frowned as he tried to remember what exactly had been going through his head at the time. Now that he was surrounded by doctors trying to fix him up and Baekhyun, he couldn’t. _

 

***

 

Baekhyun spent so much time with Yixing. He truly cared about him, but at the same time, spending his every day with him was bringing Baekhyun down. He was torn, wanting to get out for a while but terrified that Yixing would try something. 

 

“Baek, you can leave for a while, I’m fine,” he argued, again, and Baekhyun sighed deeply.

 

“For the last time, I’m not leaving you here. Why don’t you come with me?” Baekhyun offered softly, but knowing Yixing would decline as usual.

 

“Please. You’re getting sad, too, you can’t be of any help if you’re sad. Just go, I’m fine. I’ll watch a movie or something,” Yixing pushed Baekhyun towards the door. 

 

Baekhyun gave in. He was  _ tired  _ of never leaving the house, and anyway, Yixing was right. How could Baekhyun help Yixing when he himself was miserable? Despite his worries, he said goodbye and left their apartment.

 

***

 

_ Yixing held his sleeping meds in his hand and stared at them. These could kill him. Probably. _

 

_ “What are you doing?” Baekhyun asked from the doorway, and Yixing jumped, startled. _

 

_ “Going to take this,” he took a single pill from the bottle and held it up for Baekhyun to see. “I can take care of myself, you know.” _

 

_ “Of course,” Baekhyun nodded, but still took the bottle away from Yixing and continued, “but just… can I just hold onto these?” _

 

***

 

Yixing couldn’t do it. He thought maybe he would just distract himself for a couple of hours until Baekhyun got back, but he couldn’t. Yixing knew he was unstable, he knew he shouldn’t have convinced Baekhyun to leave when he was feeling this way, but he felt so bad.

 

_ That’s just more reason for you to do it,  _ is what popped into his head,  _ he’ll be much better once you’re gone.  _

 

This thought is what led him to his current position: kneeling on the floor of his room with a pile of pills in his hand. He was shaking and couldn’t breathe right. Yixing feared he would pass out before he could do it, and he would be so embarrassed if Baekhyun found him like that. 

 

He didn’t end up passing out. He  _ did,  _ however, embarrass himself. Just as Yixing dug the fingernails of one hand into the carpet, closing his eyes and counting down to the second he would throw his head back and take the pills, a loud slam sounded from the other room. He jumped and the pills scattered on the floor around him.

 

“Yixing?” Baekhyun called out, sounding panicked. Yixing was feeling pretty panicked himself and scrambled to try and hide what he’d been about to do. It was no use. Baekhyun let himself right in and immediately freaked out, yelling, “What the fuck are you doing?!”

 

Yixing curled into himself and wished he had just done it without hesitation. “I- I was trying to-“

 

“No!” Baekhyun cut him off and practically threw himself at Yixing, grabbing his face and checking him. “Did you take any?”

 

“I was  _ going  _ to if you would just let me have-“

 

“You won’t die, stop trying, I’m not letting you die,” Baekhyun wrapped Yixing up in his arms and held onto him so tightly that Yixing thought he might suffocate.

 

***

 

_ Baekhyun wouldn’t let Yixing continue like this. He’d tried killing himself  _ twice  _ and Baekhyun refused to le Yixing die like that. He packed up some bags and invited himself over to Yixing’s apartment, texting him in advance but not caring what the reply would be. _

 

_ Upon his arrival, Yixing looked confused and possibly disappointed. Baekhyun didn’t care, walking inside and setting his things down on Yixing’s couch. _

 

_ “I’m moving in,” he stated. Yixing spluttered for moment. _

 

_ Then, “I mean, that’s fine, sure.” _

 

_ And so it was. _

 

***

 

Baekhyun got a call from Yixing at 10:00 sharp every morning. The hospital allowed him one call, and Baekhyun supposed he really didn’t have many other people he would’ve wanted to talk to. 

 

“Good morning, sunshine!” Baekhyun would say, only to hear Yixing’s soft laugh. It wasn’t much, but it was something that indicated maybe he was doing okay, and that was enough for Baekhyun.

 

“What did you have for breakfast?” Yixing always asked. The hospital food was disgusting, he said, and he wanted to live vicariously through Baekhyun.

 

Baekhyun would tell him what he’d eaten, and then, “The sooner you’re better, the sooner you can eat with me.”

 

Then they would talk for a little bit, until Yixing’s time was up. Baekhyun spent every other moment of his day thinking about Yixing and hoping Yixing was okay.

 

Three days of this had Baekhyun thinking, remembering things. The thing was, Baekhyun couldn’t deny himself his feelings anymore. He’d known since they were 15 that he loved Yixing. How many times had he almost lost Yixing now? Four?

 

His heart hurt so much. He wanted to tell Yixing, had always wanted to tell Yixing, but when was the right time to tell someone you loved them?

 

After this last incident, however, Baekhyun realized something. That something being that if he didn’t tell Yixing now, he might never have a chance. So he decided he would tell Yixing during their next call, which was less than ten hours away. It didn’t matter whether or not Yixing realized that Baekhyun meant he was  _ in love  _ with him, what mattered was Yixing knowing how much Baekhyun cared for him. With that decided, he fell asleep.

 

The next morning at ten, the phone didn’t ring. Baekhyun stared at it and stared at it, but there was nothing. Hospitals were unpredictable, though, and maybe something had come up. Maybe he was getting discharged. So Baekhyun did something else and waited for good news, because that was the only news he would accept.

 

His phone rang at three in the afternoon. It was the hospital.

 

_ Maybe he needs me to pick him up,  _ he thought.

 

“Hi, Yixing?” Baekhyun answered his phone cheerfully and stomped down the anxiety that threatened him.

 

“Ah, hello, is this Baekhyun?” A woman’s voice said. Baekhyun’s throat tightened.

 

“Yes… what’s going on?”

 

“You live with Yixing?” She asked. Baekhyun wanted to scream at her,  _ get to the point! _

 

“Yes, when he’s not in the hospital,” Baekhyun said. His heart pounded and his ears had started to ring.

 

“I’m so sorry. This morning, Yixing was found in his bathroom… The doctors did everything they could. Unfortunately, it was too late. He passed away around eleven.” She sounded sympathetic. It didn’t matter.

 

Baekhyun couldn’t speak. He couldn’t breathe. His chest ached with a pain he’d never felt before, and Baekhyun gasped in a breath.

 

“Sir?” The woman’s voice was distant. Baekhyun hung the phone up and dropped in onto the floor, sinking to his knees in the middle of his kitchen.

 

Finally, after it truly hit him, Baekhyun screamed. It was a terrible sound, coming from somewhere deep inside of him, a sound that didn’t even register in his ears because he wasn’t there. He couldn’t handle it. Baekhyun screamed and screamed, pounded his fists into the floor until his knuckles ached and bled. He leaned over until his head knocked against the floor, clutching at his hair, shirt, whatever he could reach.

 

“Yixing,” he sobbed brokenly, “I love you.”

 

**End.**

**Author's Note:**

> the ending sucked sorry //:


End file.
